Kibbitzer 76

Order of events

This Kibbitzer is based on a paragraph from a report by a Korean-speaking postgraduate student of Business Administration:

OriginalRevision
The 116 questionnaires for the Arts Centres were sent out in July 2000 to staff who take position of Director or General Manager in the Centres. The lists of the Arts Centres were collected from the West Midlands Arts and Arts Council of England. Among the 116 Arts Centres, 17 are located in the West Midlands region and the others are located across England, Wales and Scotland in Britain. Up to now 51 Arts Centres have returned the questionnaires, and almost all of them were from England. Among these returned questionnaires, 41 were selected as useful for analysis. Lists of Arts Centres were collected from West Midlands Arts and the Arts Council of England. Among the 116 Arts Centres identified, 17 are located in the West Midlands region, the others being located across England, Wales and Scotland. The 116 questionnaires for the Arts Centres were sent out in July 2000 to staff with the position of Director or General Manager in the Centres. Up to now 51 Arts Centres have returned the questionnaires, almost all of them from England. Among these returned questionnaires, 41 were selected for analysis.

In writing a paragraph, it is a good idea wherever one can to make the order of sentences in the paragraph reflect the order of events in the real world. Here the order of events was:

  1. Collection of lists of Arts Centres.
  2. Identification of locations of AC's from lists.
  3. Sending of questionnaires.
  4. Return of questionnaires.
  5. Selection of returned quesionnaires for analysis.
To achieve this natural order in the paragraph, we agreed that the second and third sentences (coloured blue) should become the first and second.
1st September 2000 Consultant: Tim Johns
Back to Tim Johns EAP page