<SPEECH 1><ACT 2><SCENE 3><27%>
<LAUNCE>	<27%>
	Nay, 'twill be this hour ere I have done weeping: all the kind of the Launces have this very fault. I have received my proportion, like the prodigious son, and am going with Sir Proteus to the imperial's court. I think Crab my dog be the sourest-natured dog that lives: my mother weeping, my father wailing, my sister crying, our maid howling, our cat wringing her hands, and all our house in a great perplexity, yet did not this cruel-hearted cur shed one tear. He is a stone, a very pebble stone, and has no more pity in him than a dog; a Jew would have wept to have seen our parting: why, my grandam, having no eyes, look you, wept herself blind at my parting. Nay, I'll show you the manner of it. This shoe is my father; no, this left shoe is my father: no, no, this left shoe is my mother; nay, that cannot be so neither:—yes, it is so; it is so; it hath the worser sole. This shoe, with the hole in, is my mother, and this my father. A vengeance on't! there 'tis: now, sir, this staff is my sister; for, look you, she is as white as a lily and as small as a wand: this hat is Nan, our maid: I am the dog; no, the dog is himself, and I am the dog,—O! the dog is me, and I am myself: ay, so, so. Now come I to my father; 'Father, your blessing;' now should not the shoe speak a word for weeping: now should I kiss my father; well, he weeps on. Now come I to my mother;—O, that she could speak now like a wood woman! Well, I kiss her; why, there 'tis; here's my mother's breath up and down. Now come I to my sister; mark the moan she makes: Now the dog all this while sheds not a tear nor speaks a word; but see how I lay the dust with my tears.

</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 2><ACT 2><SCENE 3><28%>
<LAUNCE>	<28%>
	It is no matter if the tied were lost; for it is the unkindest tied that ever any man tied.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 3><ACT 2><SCENE 3><28%>
<LAUNCE>	<28%>
	Why, he that's tied here, Crab, my dog.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 4><ACT 2><SCENE 3><29%>
<LAUNCE>	<29%>
	For fear thou shouldst lose thy tongue.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 5><ACT 2><SCENE 3><29%>
<LAUNCE>	<29%>
	In thy tale.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 6><ACT 2><SCENE 3><29%>
<LAUNCE>	<29%>
	Lose the tide, and the voyage, and the master, and the service, and the tied! Why, man, if the river were dry, I am able to fill it with my tears; if the wind were down, I could drive the boat with my sighs.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 7><ACT 2><SCENE 3><29%>
<LAUNCE>	<29%>
	Sir, call me what thou darest.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 8><ACT 2><SCENE 3><29%>
<LAUNCE>	<29%>
	Well, I will go.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 9><ACT 2><SCENE 5><39%>
<LAUNCE>	<39%>
	Forswear not thyself, sweet youth, for I am not welcome. I reckon this always that a man is never undone till he be hanged; nor never welcome to a place till some certain shot be paid and the hostess say, 'Welcome!'
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 10><ACT 2><SCENE 5><39%>
<LAUNCE>	<39%>
	Marry, after they closed in earnest, they parted very fairly in jest.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 11><ACT 2><SCENE 5><39%>
<LAUNCE>	<39%>
	No.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 12><ACT 2><SCENE 5><40%>
<LAUNCE>	<39%>
	No, neither.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 13><ACT 2><SCENE 5><40%>
<LAUNCE>	<39%>
	No, they are both as whole as a fish.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 14><ACT 2><SCENE 5><40%>
<LAUNCE>	<39%>
	Marry, thus; when it stands well with him, it stands well with her.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 15><ACT 2><SCENE 5><40%>
<LAUNCE>	<39%>
	What a block art thou, that thou canst not! My staff understands me.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 16><ACT 2><SCENE 5><40%>
<LAUNCE>	<40%>
	Ay, and what I do too: look thee, I'll but lean, and my staff understands me.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 17><ACT 2><SCENE 5><40%>
<LAUNCE>	<40%>
	Why, stand-under and under-stand is all one.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 18><ACT 2><SCENE 5><40%>
<LAUNCE>	<40%>
	Ask my dog: if he say ay, it will; if he say no, it will; if he shake his tail and say nothing, it will.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 19><ACT 2><SCENE 5><40%>
<LAUNCE>	<40%>
	Thou shalt never get such a secret from me but by a parable.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 20><ACT 2><SCENE 5><41%>
<LAUNCE>	<40%>
	I never knew him otherwise.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 21><ACT 2><SCENE 5><41%>
<LAUNCE>	<40%>
	A notable lubber, as thou reportest him to be.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 22><ACT 2><SCENE 5><41%>
<LAUNCE>	<40%>
	Why, fool, I meant not thee; I meant thy master.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 23><ACT 2><SCENE 5><41%>
<LAUNCE>	<40%>
	Why, I tell thee, I care not though he burn himself in love. If thou wilt go with me to the alehouse so; if not, thou art a Hebrew, a Jew, and not worth the name of a Christian.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 24><ACT 2><SCENE 5><41%>
<LAUNCE>	<41%>
	Because thou hast not so much charity in thee as to go to the ale with a Christian. Wilt thou go?
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 25><ACT 3><SCENE 1><55%>
<LAUNCE>	<55%>
	Soho! soho!
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 26><ACT 3><SCENE 1><55%>
<LAUNCE>	<55%>
	Him we go to find: there's not a hair on's head but 'tis a Valentine.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 27><ACT 3><SCENE 1><55%>
<LAUNCE>	<55%>
	Can nothing speak? Master, shall I strike?
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 28><ACT 3><SCENE 1><55%>
<LAUNCE>	<55%>
	Nothing.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 29><ACT 3><SCENE 1><55%>
<LAUNCE>	<55%>
	Why, sir, I'll strike nothing: I pray you,—
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 30><ACT 3><SCENE 1><56%>
<LAUNCE>	<56%>
	Sir, there is a proclamation that you are vanished.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 31><ACT 3><SCENE 1><58%>
<LAUNCE>	<58%>
	I am but a fool, look you; and yet I have the wit to think my master is a kind of a knave: but that's all one, if he be but one knave. He lives not now that knows me to be in love: yet I am in love; but a team of horse shall not pluck that from me, nor who 'tis I love; and yet 'tis a woman; but what woman, I will not tell myself; and yet 'tis a milkmaid; yet 'tis not a maid, for she hath had gossips; yet 'tis a maid, for she is her master's maid, and serves for wages. She hath more qualities than a water-spaniel,—which is much in a bare Christian. <STAGE DIR>
<Pulling out a paper.>
</STAGE DIR> Here is the catelog of her condition. Imprimis, She can fetch and carry. Why, a horse can do no more: nay, a horse cannot fetch, but only carry; therefore, is she better than a jade. Item, She can milk; look you, a sweet virtue in a maid with clean hands.

</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 32><ACT 3><SCENE 1><58%>
<LAUNCE>	<59%>
	With my master's ship? why, it is at sea.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 33><ACT 3><SCENE 1><59%>
<LAUNCE>	<59%>
	The blackest news that ever thou heardest.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 34><ACT 3><SCENE 1><59%>
<LAUNCE>	<59%>
	Why, as black as ink.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 35><ACT 3><SCENE 1><59%>
<LAUNCE>	<59%>
	Fie on thee, jolthead! thou canst not read.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 36><ACT 3><SCENE 1><59%>
<LAUNCE>	<59%>
	I will try thee. Tell me this: who begot thee?
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 37><ACT 3><SCENE 1><59%>
<LAUNCE>	<59%>
	O, illiterate loiterer! it was the son of thy grandmother. This proves that thou canst not read.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 38><ACT 3><SCENE 1><59%>
<LAUNCE>	<59%>
	There; and Saint Nicholas be thy speed!
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 39><ACT 3><SCENE 1><59%>
<LAUNCE>	<59%>
	Ay, that she can.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 40><ACT 3><SCENE 1><59%>
<LAUNCE>	<59%>
	And thereof comes the proverb, 'Blessing of your heart, you brew good ale.'
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 41><ACT 3><SCENE 1><59%>
<LAUNCE>	<60%>
	That's as much as to say, Can she so?
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 42><ACT 3><SCENE 1><60%>
<LAUNCE>	<60%>
	What need a man care for a stock with a wench, when she can knit him a stock?
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 43><ACT 3><SCENE 1><60%>
<LAUNCE>	<60%>
	A special virtue; for then she need not be washed and scoured.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 44><ACT 3><SCENE 1><60%>
<LAUNCE>	<60%>
	Then may I set the world on wheels, when she can spin for her living.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 45><ACT 3><SCENE 1><60%>
<LAUNCE>	<60%>
	That's as much as to say, bastard virtues; that, indeed, know not their fathers, and therefore have no names.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 46><ACT 3><SCENE 1><60%>
<LAUNCE>	<60%>
	Close at the heels of her virtues.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 47><ACT 3><SCENE 1><60%>
<LAUNCE>	<60%>
	Well, that fault may be mended with a breakfast. Read on.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 48><ACT 3><SCENE 1><60%>
<LAUNCE>	<60%>
	That makes amends for her sour breath.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 49><ACT 3><SCENE 1><60%>
<LAUNCE>	<60%>
	It's no matter for that, so she sleep not in her talk.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 50><ACT 3><SCENE 1><61%>
<LAUNCE>	<61%>
	O villain, that set this down among her vices! To be slow in words is a woman's only virtue: I pray thee, out with't, and place it for her chief virtue.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 51><ACT 3><SCENE 1><61%>
<LAUNCE>	<61%>
	Out with that too: it was Eve's legacy, and cannot be ta'en from her.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 52><ACT 3><SCENE 1><61%>
<LAUNCE>	<61%>
	I care not for that neither, because I love crusts.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 53><ACT 3><SCENE 1><61%>
<LAUNCE>	<61%>
	Well; the best is, she hath no teeth to bite.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 54><ACT 3><SCENE 1><61%>
<LAUNCE>	<61%>
	If her liquor be good, she shall: if she will not, I will; for good things should be praised.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 55><ACT 3><SCENE 1><61%>
<LAUNCE>	<61%>
	Of her tongue she cannot, for that's writ down she is slow of: of her purse she shall not, for that I'll keep shut: now, of another thing she may, and that cannot I help. Well, proceed.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 56><ACT 3><SCENE 1><61%>
<LAUNCE>	<62%>
	Stop there; I'll have her: she was mine, and not mine, twice or thrice in that last article. Rehearse that once more.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 57><ACT 3><SCENE 1><62%>
<LAUNCE>	<62%>
	More hair than wit it may be; I'll prove it: the cover of the salt hides the salt, and therefore it is more than the salt; the hair, that covers the wit is more than the wit, for the greater hides the less. What's next?
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 58><ACT 3><SCENE 1><62%>
<LAUNCE>	<62%>
	That's monstrous! O, that that were out!
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 59><ACT 3><SCENE 1><62%>
<LAUNCE>	<62%>
	Why, that word makes the faults gracious. Well, I'll have her; and if it be a match, as nothing is impossible,—
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 60><ACT 3><SCENE 1><62%>
<LAUNCE>	<62%>
	Why, then will I tell thee,—that thy master stays for thee at the North-gate.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 61><ACT 3><SCENE 1><62%>
<LAUNCE>	<62%>
	For thee! ay; who art thou? he hath stayed for a better man than thee.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 62><ACT 3><SCENE 1><62%>
<LAUNCE>	<62%>
	Thou must run to him, for thou hast stayed so long that going will scarce serve the turn.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 63><ACT 3><SCENE 1><63%>
<LAUNCE>	<63%>
	Now will he be swing'd for reading my letter. An unmannerly slave, that will thrust himself into secrets. I'll after, to rejoice in the boy's correction.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 64><ACT 4><SCENE 4><79%>
<LAUNCE>	<79%>
	When a man's servant shall play the cur with him, look you, it goes hard; one that I brought up of a puppy; one that I saved from drowning, when three or four of his blind brothers and sisters went to it. I have taught him, even as one would say precisely, 'Thus would I teach a dog.' I was sent to deliver him as a present to Mistress Silvia from my master, and I came no sooner into the dining-chamber but he steps me to her trencher and steals her capon's leg. O! 'tis a foul thing when a cur cannot keep himself in all companies. I would have, as one should say, one that takes upon him to be a dog indeed, to be, as it were, a dog at all things. If I had not had more wit than he, to take a fault upon me that he did, I think verily he had been hanged for't: sure as I live, he had suffered for't: you shall judge. He thrusts me himself into the company of three or four gentleman-like dogs under the duke's table: he had not been there—bless the mark—a pissing-while, but all the chamber smelt him. 'Out with the dog!' says one; 'What cur is that?' says another; 'Whip him out,' says the third; 'Hang him up,' says the duke. I, having been acquainted with the smell before, knew it was Crab, and goes me to the fellow that whips the dogs: 'Friend,' quoth I, 'you mean to whip the dog?' 'Ay, marry, do I,' quoth he. 'You do him the more wrong,' quoth I; ''twas I did the thing you wot of.' He makes me no more ado, but whips me out of the chamber. How many masters would do this for his servant? Nay, I'll be sworn, I have sat in the stocks for puddings he hath stolen, otherwise he had been executed; I have stood on the pillory for geese he hath killed, otherwise he had suffered for't; thou thinkest not of this now. Nay, I remember the trick you served me when I took my leave of Madam Silvia: did not I bid thee still mark me and do as I do? When didst thou see me heave up my leg and make water against a gentlewoman's farthingale? Didst thou ever see me do such a trick?

</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 65><ACT 4><SCENE 4><81%>
<LAUNCE>	<81%>
	Marry, sir, I carried Mistress Silvia the dog you bade me.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 66><ACT 4><SCENE 4><81%>
<LAUNCE>	<81%>
	Marry, she says, your dog was a cur, and tells you, currish thanks is good enough for such a present.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 67><ACT 4><SCENE 4><81%>
<LAUNCE>	<81%>
	No, indeed, did she not: here have I brought him back again.
</LAUNCE>

<SPEECH 68><ACT 4><SCENE 4><81%>
<LAUNCE>	<81%>
	Ay, sir: the other squirrel was stolen from me by the hangman boys in the marketplace; and then I offered her mine own, who is a dog as big as ten of yours, and therefore the gift the greater.
</LAUNCE>

